DID Personal Stories: The Phoenix System


DID Personal Stories, Dissociative Identity Disorder / Wednesday, April 18th, 2018

‘DID Personal Stories’ is a collection of autobiographies from people around the world living with Dissociative Identity Disorder. These stories are raw and unfiltered. Please be advised that some may contain triggering content. We hope that through sharing our experiences, we can spread awareness.

I was diagnosed early May of 2017. Prior to my diagnosis, I was experiencing concerning amounts of memory loss and amnesia. My friends would tell me that they sometimes felt as if they were talking to a younger version of myself who had a very childlike demeanor. Little did I know, that was one of my littles, Jaanu.

When I received the diagnosis, I was terrified and relieved. I was terrified because I didn’t know anything about DID or dissociative disorders, and had no idea what to expect. I was on the inpatient unit at Shepperd Pratt’s trauma disorders unit when the diagnosis was given, so I had a lot of support around me through my peers and staff.

I was relieved by the diagnosis because I had a name to my experiences. However, I was also very much in denial and still am most days. What scares me most about the diagnosis is the implications it holds. I know I have an extensive trauma history, but this would imply that there are more memories buried within my mind. That scares me. I thought I knew everything that happened to me as a child.

I wish people knew how strong and incredibly creative this coping mechanism is. This is not someone acting out or pretending to be a different person. It is very different than the psychological phenomena of regression. This is a direct cause of unthinkable childhood trauma, and such an ingenious thing for the mind to just do. It can be caused by all types of trauma, not just trauma that is within the family system, though that is very common.

For social media purposes, and because we think it’s a cool idea, we are called The Phoenix System. I am still in the early stages of discovering my headmates; but, so far we have 3 little ones, one mute headmate, 4 guys, a dragon, a shadow, a brick, and a fairy. Our body is blind so that makes for some very unique challenges.

I have found my therapist to be one of the greatest supporters and resources. I have also found the [Facebook] DID groups, specifically Alternation and Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder, to be so so supportive and caring. Unfortunately, my therapist has been unable to see us regularly for the moment and these groups have helped immensely to fill in the gap a little bit.

Only the most creative and brilliant among us have the ability to develop and have such a powerful coping tool for the unthinkable things we went through as children. This diagnosis does not make you a freak in the slightest.

-EM

 

Do you have DID and want to share your story? Email us: stories@imperfectlymama.com

 

DID Personal Stories: Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder

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